Not Recommended. But...

Well, first I should tell you that I kind of changed my mind.  I think I maybe do want someone to read my blog.  Maybe I feel a little bit extra alone when I am not heard in cyberspace.  Gosh, I don't really want to say that, but I think that it is true, so I will leave it.  I am a bit self-consumed, so please forgive me.  Hopefully, I will work through that very soon.  I want someone to care.  I know that the moment I let people know that I have a blog, there will be people who care, but that is really hard to do, so I have not yet done it.  Plus, I want someone to care for the long haul, not just a day or two after they read that I am sad.  It will only make me more sad when they go back to the important people and things in their life.  I am not an easy person to get into, and I retreat the second I see signs of disinterest.  I will not stick around where I'm not wanted or force myself on anyone.  I also don't like letting people know how much I suck (Haha, I have typed and erased that line 3 or 4 times now.  All I can hear is a well-meaning person saying, "Oh, no, you don't suck, Kathy, don't say that," but really they would just be well-meaning and not recognize the fact that we all suck in some way or other, but that's what God's grace is for, isn't it?)

How narcissistic is it of me to write a blog about the crappy way I feel about my life and want people to read it to make me feel better?  And this is how I go back and forth, wearing a path further and further down into my loneliness.

Anyway, that was really all a side note, because today I wanted to write about leading worship from this state of being that I am in right now.  I sing on the worship team most weeks at church, and about once a month or so I lead the worship (like pick the songs, organize practice, and do the talking during the music at church, etc.).  I have been doing this in some form or other for most of my life.  There have definitely been seasons where I did not belong in that position, but I think that now is not one of them.  I have gone back and forth with this thought, and I can't say for sure that I am correct with my conclusion, but I will talk about it a little bit.  You are welcome to tell me your opinion, if you exist.  :-)

First, I believe God can and does use anybody.  He has no qualms about any of the things that we worry about when we are picking people for our team.  I think sometimes He even uses people who aren't on the team and don't want to play.  So I know that He can use me whatever state I am in.  However, that in itself doesn't mean that I should be leading other people to worship.

Today, though, I sang, "I may be down, but I will rise.  It may be dark, but God is light," and I meant it so thoroughly.  I picked the music today, and we surely weren't singing the Happy Song.  But we sang the prayer, "Let everything about me be hallelujah," and although I know that I am so broken and hurting right now, I meant it so hard.  We sang, "This is the place I've known - here in the arms of One Who Loves further than I could run," and I know it is true.  And when I sang, "When all else fades my soul will dance with You where the love lasts forever," I felt a little bit of hope.  Can you believe that?  I, the hopeless one, thought for a minute that maybe someday I would dance again and it would be joyous and good. 

I feel like the only thing I have to give right now is my singing, so I have to keep doing it.  Hopefully it really is a gift and not just another selfish thing that is taking over my life right now.  It is hard to tell sometimes.

I honestly am not writing any of this so that you feel bad for me, and I don't want you to say nice things to me just to make me feel better.  I would rather, if you are there and you want to say something, that you say helpful, true things, even if they are hard to hear.  You probably can't say anything more harsh than I have said to myself; maybe you could shed some light for me.

I guess that's it.  I'm going to post this on Facebook before I lose my nerve.  I think.