On Being a Mom

I was not ready to be a mom.  Growing up, my plan was to be a stay at home mom, maybe have a daycare in my house (My mom did that until I was 7, and I always had nostalgic memories of that.  Probably because I was a kid and not in charge of all the kids.  She started with a 6 month old and a 2 year old when I was 3 months!  How much in awe of my mom are you now?)  Anyway, I got older and didn't get married in my very early twenties like I planned, which was totally fine.  I had a few jobs in daycares and babysitting and as a nanny, and I realized...I don't really like taking care of other people's kids.  I don't like it at all.  It's a little weird, because kids generally tend to like me and I like them.  I like hanging out with them and playing, but I don't like watching them like it is my job.  So all that to say that plans change.  I married Brandt in 2008 and he didn't want any kids at all.  At that point, I still wanted kids at some point, but I was certainly willing to wait a few years.  I was quite happy to wait a few years, actually.  Then a few months later I was nauseous for a week and I knew I was pregnant.  I took a test and it was confirmed.  Honestly, my immediate reaction was, "Oh shit."  (Sorry for swearing, but that is really what I said.)  So after being sick for nine more months, we were blessed with Zephra Katheryn Sanderson.

That was a really long intro.

I have to say that my advice to people who are pregnant is to stop reading things about being pregnant.  You get fat and your body goes completely haywire for the duration.  If there is a part of you that starts doing something strange, it is totally normal.  Be worried if nothing changes.  What you really need to read is what to do after the baby gets here.  Oh my gosh, why didn't I do that?  I think the problem is that raising kids is so absolutely hard and crazy and individualized that there are too many opinions.  There are sooooo (infinite o's here) many different "methods" to raising kids.  Here is a personality trait of mine:  when I am faced with too many options I cannot choose.  Don't ever tell me, "Anything you want," because I will totally freeze.  I will have to go through every option available in detail so as to be sure to choose the very best one.  (This is probably why I can never seem to settle on what I want to be when I grow up.)  The other thing (back to baby-raising here) is that everyone is so damned certain that their method is the right one and if you use someone else's you are wrong.  No matter how you make your decision, there is a book out there designed to make you feel like crap about it.  But this is why you need to read a lot about this while you are pregnant.  That way, once the baby is here you at least have a strategy to start from.  You might throw it completely out the window, but then you will have read other strategies and can have some fall back options.  Maybe this is good for you or maybe not, I don't know, but I think it would have helped me.  Not to mention that once the baby is here, you are not firing on all cylinders (Lord help you if you are like me and are short some cylinders to begin with).

Well, that made a long intro even longer.

So.  There I was with a bouncing baby girl (emphasis on the bouncing in this situation) on November 20, 2009 without one clue on what to do with her.  Brandt and I have done our best.  People tell us we are doing it wrong all the time.  Other people say that we are not.  It is pretty hard, like the hardest thing ever.  But we think that Zephra is the coolest little kid that could possibly exist anywhere.  Obviously, we think so, we are her parents after all.  But, oh my goodness, is she tough sometimes.  She isn't bad, really.  I mean, she's one, so it's not like she's out smoking and drinking past her curfew (We have a strict limit of no smoking after 7pm for her.  Kind of strict, I know. ;-)  ).  She tests her limits constantly, she has a one track mind and a very strong will.  She is a girl who knows what she wants.  You can't pull the wool over this baby's eyes (unless it's a blanket - she loves that game).  She is not easily distracted away from what she is doing.  She hates sleep like crime hates justice (by far, the hardest test ever), and she thinks discipline is hilarious (Like, the funniest thing she has ever come across in her whole 14 1/2 months.  Honest, and I'm super serious with her, sigh.)

What I'm coming to realize now is that some of these qualities are harmful to her.  She needs to learn to embrace sleep as a friend (Personally, I view sleep as a long lost friend.  Absence has absolutely made my heart grow fonder).  Her life will go so much more smoothly if she would do the same with discipline (Isn't that the case for all of us, though?).  But there are other qualities she has that may be a pain in the butt to me now, but that will be very useful to her later in life.  Boundless energy, determination, and the ability to focus?  Yes, please, and could you share some with me?  My job (and I would soooo appreciate you coming along side me in prayer and encouragement in this) is to guide her and help her learn to use her powers for good.  I don't know if I'm up for the task, but I don't really have a choice in this, do I?  My job is to keep her safe, while still allowing her to learn things on her own (a terrifying prospect for a control freak like me); to teach her the value of listening to and loving others while still being able to think for herself; to allow her to have passions that are her own; and to let her be hurt (gah!  Do I have to?  I don't know if I can do it; it will break my fragile heart.) so she can grow and mature and turn into a capable and confident adult.

So, yeah, that's it.  Discourage the harmful things, encourage the good stuff, and embrace the annoying, but good-for-her-later things that sort of stink for me now (Example:  I can appreciate her ingenuity that allows her to figure out how to climb up onto a chair, but I am wary of the world of opportunity for trouble that this opens).  Easy, right?

Just Another House

I was going to do a post on being a mom, but I'm not ready to do that yet.  It's hard, we know.  It's hard for everybody, you just have to do it and learn to love it (I am, I really am).  So I'm not ready to write about it because I feel like I have nothing new or very inspired to say.  (Haha, I'm so weird.  After I wrote that I immediately thought, "Hey!  I know what I want to say!"  So I wrote a sentence down to write about later.  Anyway...)

Today I want to talk about one more struggle I am having.  After I talked about the others, they seemed to get a little better, so I might as well keep going, right?  This one is different, but totally related to my other struggle.

I want a house so bad.  Sigh.  I know, I need to learn to be content.  I am so blessed.  I have a place to live that is warm and safe and in the town where we want to live.  It's even bigger than the house where I lived with my parents until I was 7.  But.  I want to be settled.  I want to live somewhere and not move any more.  I want to own it and be able to do anything I want to it.

It might seem like a silly thing, but I have moved every year since college except one (I switched roommates that year instead of moving).  I have lived in 7 different houses in the last 7 years.  In the first apartment I moved into I painted every room and put up pictures and decorated.  I made it homey.  The next place I painted, but I didn't quite unpack everything.  Every house since then I have done less and less until now I haven't even considered painting and didn't bother unpacking anything decorative.  I just don't have the will to make yet another house a home if I'm not staying here long.  That mentality is taxing on me because I don't have a sanctuary.  My house is more of a frustration than a home base.  I look at the mess around me that I can't figure out what to do with and just sort of give up.  Why bother getting everything organized again?  But when my environment is scattered, my brain is, too.  (Which is all I need when I am running on minimal sleep).

The other thing is that we are renting and our rent is as much as a mortgage payment would be, if not more.  It's at the top of our budget, so we aren't really able to save very much (when we do our car breaks down and we use all the savings to fix it).  Which means we will never have enough for a down payment. 

There, I said it.  My whine is complete.  I'm sorry for being so materialistic.  I truly want to learn to be content in whatever situation I am in.  If you have advice or prayers for me, I will gladly take them.