I just finished the pistachios that Brandt got for Christmas (well, all except the last four that weren't open enough to eat without some sort of tool). He wasn't eating them anyway.
Whew. Each of these last posts, I have put up on facebook and gone to bed. Then I would think about them the next morning and decide I didn't want people to read them. By the time I would try to do anything about it, I had received a comment or two or an email from someone and it encouraged me to keep going. There is a war going on in my mind. Why am I writing all of this crap about myself? It is true, to be sure, but who wants to read that? What good is it doing anyone? The other side says, well, some people say they identify with it. Maybe it is making them feel less alone. But I think of all the other people who might read it who might not identify with it, and I think maybe I don't want them to read it and look at me funny. But then I think, well, I am being real; this is who I am. I guess they should know. Or should they? (I could go back and forth for a long time, but I will spare you.)
All of my life, I think, I have always wanted to be good. I don't mean do good things, but actually BE good. I'm not, though. I am truly awful. I have bad motives, I have a really hard time loving people, I worry ALL. OF. THE. TIME. I am terribly lazy and unmotivated. I get overwhelmed easily and I get super frustrated and take it out on other people. I am sad most of the time. I am totally disorganized and messy. Most of the time, I just give up. I have in my mind exactly the person I want to be, but I am no closer to being that person now than I was ever. Maybe I'm even farther. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be someone I am not, but I want to be the best me. I can't seem to figure out how to get there.
There is definitely a big part of me that is struggling with being a mom. That is probably enough for a whole other post, so I will just say for now that I am starting off not operating on all cylinders. I am exhausted from lack of sleep and depleted from lack of time to myself. That doesn't help. But the thing is, I am a mom, and, Lord willing, I will be for the rest of my life, so I need to figure out how to be the best me while being a mom. This is the new normal and I don't want it to be second best. I want to live this new life and love it.
I am really excited to be getting together later this week with a couple other moms who are in a similar situation. I hope we can really talk about things and help each other out. I really suck at talking about things like this in person, but sometimes when other people start, it makes it easier. We'll see. I'll try to write the mom post soon.
Goodnight. (Hey, and thanks for reading, even if you are someone who is going to look at me funny).
Kathy I miss you! I love you! And you are defintely not alone in your struggles to figure out how to live up to the ideal we have set for ourselves. Sorry you are sad, but glad you are hopeful at the same time! I look forward reading following blogs (if I remember! lol) and look forward to reading about the transformations that take place in your life...no matter how long or quick they come about. Glad you are meeting with other moms. I love hanging out and talking with my girlfriends (even though I am not always forthcoming in how good or bad things are going at the time...I have a hard enough time telling Billy sometimes!). It is just nice to be with other women who are in a similar situation. Love you girl...and really, if you need to talk or vent over the phone (a little less personal than in person!), I can be a good listener, especially when the kids are asleep!
ReplyDeleteJust remember that there is a vast spectrum of human behavior between "perfect" and "truly awful" (and even more past that). You're not perfect, but that doesn't meant you're truly awful. There's room in between for something else.
ReplyDeleteI like B's comment a lot and I would like to second it. You're not truly awful. In my opinion, one quality of someone that IS actually truly awful is that they feel no remorse. And obviously you do. So...there's my attempt at trying to give you a logical reason not to be too hard on yourself...ha ha ha ha. If I'm not making any sense I apologize...I don't think my brain has been firing on all cylinders recently.
ReplyDeleteKathy you will find that writing into cyberspace truly touches the hearts of those who read your words. You may even find you've helped them. I'll never look at you funny...You have a heart that feels honestly and a mind that thinks deeply. Keep writing.
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