I started this blog while I was pregnant at some point (I could look it up to find out exactly when, but I'm not that motivated). My daughter is 13 months old now and this is my third post. There you go. I have decided to start writing again (again), but I'm not making any promises. I have been reading a lot of people's blogs now, and I have mixed feelings about them. Some of them make me sooo jealous ("She has children and pets and a beautifully decorated, perfectly clean house, whereas I have to clear a path to walk through my living room on occasion. Okay, often.") Some of them make me feel a little better about myself ("Okay, if she came back from going to the bathroom to find her two year old up on the kitchen counter surrounded by knives taken from the block and the hot water on full blast and she is somehow doing alright with life, maybe there is hope for me."). And there are some that make me think about life and my relationship with God and things like that that are good for me.
Anyway, reading all of those made me kind of want to start writing a blog of my own. The thing is, I don't know how I feel about people reading it. I really don't mind if people do (it would be silly if I did, because I could just write in a journal or something and no one would see that), but I feel like it might not be pleasant to read at first. I think I might be sort of down and complain-y right now. So, I'm letting you know in advance that is what you might be in for if you continue to read.
I have been super struggling lately. I don't like my life and, even more so, I don't like me. I really don't. I think, actually, that I would love my life if I could get used to me being in it. I hate being ungrateful and whiny. I just feel so stuck in a vicious cycle that I can't get out of, and I am here completely alone. I feel unlovable and unlikeable (two totally different things). I hate the state of my house, which I think it is contributing to my state of mind, but I can't seem to change it. And I can't seem to get to God right now, or get Him to come to me. You can go right ahead and tell me that I need to surrender and allow Him to work through me or whatever, but He is pretty quiet right now, and I know it's my fault, but I can't seem to get myself to change, and He is not doing it. I'm not blaming Him, but that is just where I am right now.
I am terrible about using my time. I am terrible at using money. I am terrible at keeping up with just the normal things in life. I'm late to everything, behind with everything, and completely miss other things altogether.
Why write this blog? Maybe so I have someone to confess to? Someone to talk to? Even if that someone is no one, I think it is better than leaving it inside my head where it poisons me even further. Sorry to spread it to you, world. I remember when I used to look around and really see beauty everywhere. I was so good at finding the gorgeous things around me, and it made me giddy sometimes. Now, I seriously can't find it. I look at things that I know are beautiful and I can't feel it. All I can see are the scary, terrifying things of the world. It has become ugly and all I want to do is hide, which I do. That makes me so sad. Heartbroken.
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