Oops. I waited too long to write again. I'm not really sure where I'm going with it anyway. It's funny how hard it is to write a follow up. I got a few wonderful responses to my last posts. They were so supportive and understanding. A couple people knew how I was feeling because they felt that way too. Now I don't really know what to say. I feel glad that some people know and that it isn't quite as dark in here as it was, but I still feel crappy, too. It's definitely not bright yet. I always hit this block when someone reaches out to me. B said it exactly right in his comment that I hold my cards pretty close to my chest. I can't help it. When someone notices me and really wants to know how I am, my immediate reaction is immense joy (what am I, a puppy?) followed so closely by "Nevermind, I'm fine," that they are almost simultaneous. It's like my real self just shuts off and I can't even access it, let alone let someone else in.
I think I feel ashamed. I can't come up with one good reason that I feel so sad, so I feel guilty, like I'm stealing or cheapening someone else's right to feeling like this. I didn't have a big tragedy happen to me. I have a good life with a loving husband and a beautiful daughter and so many wonderful family and friends. I have a place to live and food and clothing. I have everything I need and more, so I must be a pretty ungrateful person to feel like this. I think the biggest part of my sadness stems from frustration with myself. It is not the outside that makes me unhappy; it is the inside. It is ugly in here, and I feel really powerless to change it at all. My thoughts are driven by fear. I am so overwhelmed by life and the prospect of living it all that it makes me shut down. I am paralyzed by it. I can't be a good wife and mom, as I so desperately want to be, because I can't even be a good me. I circle down.
Even as I read what I have written over, I am disgusted. How self-centered that last paragraph was. Absolutely every sentence had "I" or "me" in it several times. Well, there you go, that is some of the ugly truth. That is part of the answer to the question. I don't like it, but I'm stuck here for now. I feel really bad telling you because I don't want to put darkness in your life (not that I think that I am actually making your life worse or anything, but this is certainly not uplifting reading material, and I would so prefer that it was). I think that I just need to be open a little with someone, so you are it. Don't feel obligated to be the question asker.
I have been sitting here way too long. I'm going to go to bed now. But I typed and deleted a sentence that I will use in an upcoming post, so maybe it will not be so long before I post again. Thanks for listening.
Ok...let me first say that I am a terrible friend. I didn't even realize you have a blog! And all along you've been one of the only readers of MY blog and I haven't been supporting you in return. I feel horrible and I'm sorry.
ReplyDeleteSecondly there's so much I want to say but I'll sum it up by saying that I care about you and I sincerely want to be someone that you trust and "let in." I don't know if there are people that you have in mind that you would like to be closer to you...and if you do and I'm not one of those people that's fine (I think like that because, much like you, I tend to look down on myself quite a bit and wonder why anyone would want to be friends with me)...but I'll go out on a limb and say that I WANT to be your friend and I mean that sincerely. As you probably already know, I'm not that great at being a friend and I can fall off the face of the planet sometimes, but that doesn't mean I'm not thinking about you and wondering how you are. I'm probably doing the same thing you are...sitting at home thinking about how I wish I had more people I was close with and feeling frustrated that I'm so bad at maintaining friendships. Well...at least that's how I feel and I'm guessing that you might feel the same way sometimes based on the things you've written.
All in all, I want to try to be better about staying in touch. I miss you and I feel bad that even though we've seen each other a few times over the past few months, we've never had a chance to talk just the two of us. And I would like it if we DID talk just the two of us sometimes. Because I want to know how you are...honestly...and I don't want you to feel alone. If you'd like to, email, text, or call me and we'll figure out a time when we can get together...without the boys. :)
Hi Kathy...I'm glad you posted the link to your blog-I appreciate being able to hear your thoughts, especially since you're such a faithful reader of all my FB ramblings. I don't want to pretend that I know exactly how you're feeling... but I can relate to getting married and having a child within roughly a year. I think it's easy to underestimate how much of a change that is. Pre-marriage I was simply responsible for me, and had the freedom to do so much...and not that it was all selfish...really I had more time to volunteer and go on trips and be "productive" and creative. Now my (our) free time is unpredictable at best; "productivity" and especially creativity must fit into the space that is left over after caring for a child and focusing on a husband.
ReplyDeleteFor me the result is that my purpose in life feels vague right now...again, I'm with you- I'm so blessed with a family and friends- and I know that my family is a huge part of my purpose- but it's not the purpose I spent the majority of my life pursuing. I think that shift in and of itself can create depression, anxiety, and sadness... hormones and other issues aside.
I find myself surrounded by "friends" but when I feel overwhelmed, surrounded, or in pain, I start scrolling through my cell phone for someone to call, and I find excuses not to call most of the people in my contact list...and it's far easier for me to stay out here isolated in the boondocks, or to just go to see my parents all the time, than to try to connect with other people when a really close friendship may or may not happen.
I don't know how to finish...so I suppose that's all. But I admire you and you've inspired me to try more and to get out of myself instead of making excuses. So thank you.
Thank you both. I consider you both wonderful people who (whom?) I love being around, and you are both an encouragement to me in your own ways. Thanks for reading and commenting.
ReplyDeleteBoy, I think I could have written this exact same post. Except for the part about being a good wife and mom, I'm actually pretty content with not being either of those. I wish I had an answer for how to fix it, but I'm sadly still looking for that answer myself.
ReplyDelete